Tag Archive | surrender


Until your knees hit the floor you’re just playing at life, and on some level you’re scared because you know you’re just playing. The moment of surrender is not when life is over, it’s when it begins. ~Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

One warm, sunny weekend in early September, 2013, I found myself in my car, alone, headed for Asheville, North Carolina. I had a stack of CDs, my phone, a few changes of clothes, and a full tank of gas. I also had with me a full complement of amino acid and magnesium supplements that were going to replace the antidepressant and Xanax I’d been taking for the past five years. I left the prescriptions at home. At about hour six of the 14 hour drive, I started to cry. What the FUCK was I doing? I was driving 14 hours, alone, for a weekend, alone, in a place I knew little about that I had chosen randomly (or intuitively). And I would have another 14 hour drive back home. It was one of those really deep cries that turned into a prayer, simple and raw: I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and I’m going to need your help.

Knees hit the floor.

I’d been through a lot the couple of years previous and was considering moving to another state, running away, really. I had been on an unfamiliar path. I had dreams for the future but had no idea how to get there. So I took off for a weekend with excitement which turned quickly into fear. Tears. Surrender. I ended up having a great weekend. Spending time with myself, getting to know myself. There would be, and will be, more tears, more surrender, and more joy as my path unfolds.

Surrender is one of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned on my path and something I’ve learned to do even when life isn’t so bad.

Surrender presupposes a belief in a higher power, who I’ll refer to as God. The creator, the divine energy that connects everyone and everything, with whom we are are all one. A higher power that can make things happen. An energy that is pure love.

Surrender is completely giving up control over the circumstances and trusting in a force more powerful that we are to make things happen, to fix the problem, to help us realize our dreams.

Surrender is complete faith that somehow, we don’t know how, but somehow things are going to work out for the better.

Surrender is the acknowledgement, without judgment, that this problem is bigger than we are, knowing that if we could fix it by ourselves we surely would have already, so please help me, God.

Surrender is not sitting on the couch doing nothing and waiting for life to happen, surrender is taking one step and trusting that we are going to be shown the next step. And the next.

This is more than prayer. If we’re honest with ourselves, we pray a lot more than we actually surrender. We go through the motions with good intention, but we like to control things most of the time and are not good at surrendering the details to someone else. It can take a real shit storm to get us actually down on our knees in surrender. Crying in the shower. Bawling in the parking lot of the rest area. Surrender isn’t poetic and it isn’t polite. The prayer of surrender usually goes something like: “I’ve really fucked this up, please help me.”

There’s real beauty in surrendering. Finding that peaceful place withing ourselves, finding our true strength. We connect with our higher selves, we find our connection with our Creator and with all of creation. This is Love.

What actually happens when we truly surrender is God really does take over. I’m talking magic, miracles, and synchronicity. You’re at peace. You don’t have to worry about this anymore, someone way smarter is taking over. Phew. You have a chance conversation with the neighbor you never talk to and the next thing you know, you’re in a job interview with his ex-wife’s brother’s best friend’s therapist’s daughter. You go to the mailbox and there’s a refund check you weren’t expecting. You win an all expense paid vacation. Really good ideas pop into your head. Somebody sees your artwork hanging on your mother’s wall and wants to buy it. A song inspires you to call somebody who leads you in a new direction. A conversation leads you to start your own business. You’re meeting the exact people you need to meet. You’re in the right place at the right time. Magic, miracles, and synchronicity.

This is not the first nor the last time you will surrender. You will go about your life and hit another rough patch and end up on your knees again. It’s called living. Eventually you’ll start to figure out that all the good stuff starts to happen when your knees hit the floor. You’re getting help and this is starting to feel good. Even fun.

When you’re living your life to the fullest, your knees need never leave the floor. You’re not only surrendering, you’re also in deep gratitude for the many blessings in your life.

You don’t have to wait for the shit to hit the fan to get down on your knees. You have dreams and desires, plans and goals. But when you don’t know how to get there, you let go of the dream. Or you get so attached to your plans of how you’re going to get there that you have no flexibility when life (or God) steps in and throws a wrench in the plans. We leave no room for magic. Sometimes God has a better plan, so when she throws a wrench in yours, it’s time to sit up and take notice. Or get down on your knees.

We limit ourselves when we attach rigidly to our plans. Sometimes you have to move forward without a plan. Stop, breathe, focus on your heart. What is your dream, your purpose, your passion? Feel it? Does it still feel good? Good. Now, how does this next step feel? If it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it. Listen. Is a different idea trying to get your attention? Take a break, go for a walk, get away for the weekend. Does something light up for you? Trust it. Start moving, but be flexible. Allow changes to your plan. Make room for magic.

Many of us learn about surrendering in our every day lives after our knees hit the floor in some dramatic way. Perhaps that’s the purpose of that moment, to get our attention. Once you’re down there, stay on your knees. Surrender. Gratitude. How is life working for you now?


Fear and Surrender

It’s a dark night. A man dressed in black walks confidently down the street, heading path toward a shining, yellow light. The path is lit right in front of him. He’s following the light, on step at a time, as it’s revealed to him. The Hermit, IX The Path in the Book of Shadows Tarot, Book 1, As Above. My inspiration for writing this week.

The literal meaning of the card was unhelpful for my present situation. But what I saw was somebody following the path one step at a time. Stepping in faith. And I heard “surrender.” A call for me to stop trying to control things and have faith in a higher power and my own intuitive guidance.

I thought writing my weekly blog post would get easier the more I wrote and it’s actually gotten harder. I procrastinate and face writer’s block. Not a single bit of inspiration all week.

So I started the Tibetan singing bowl music, G# for the throat chakra, and meditated.

In my meditation, I was faced with dinosaurs, dragons, and humongous, scary bug creatures. And I stood and faced each fear until it faded away.

The writer’s block, procrastination, it’s all about fear. Because I’ve made a commitment to write every week, I stand face-to-face with the bug creature until it melts away and I keep writing.

What is the fear about? The fear is about writing what the fear is about.

The fear is about coming out of the spiritual closet. The fear is about moving from the logical and safe world of a corporate job, technology, programming, project management and moving into more of myself as an intuitive, energy healer, coach/counselor, writer, speaker, teacher, spiritual leader.

  • what if I can’t make a living
  • what if the intuitive guidance I’m receiving and sharing is total crap
  • what if reiki doesn’t really do anything
  • what if people think I’m a whack job

This fear is not trusting in the journey that I have embarked upon. So I am being called to surrender, to follow the path as it is shown to me one step at a time. And the guidance I keep receiving is to keep writing. The evidence is in front of me, that surrender and faith is the way to go. A Higher Power and the wisdom of my own higher self have my back.

Here is what I know for sure:

  • The more I speak and live from my heart, as my authentic self, the more like-minded people I meet, and communities I find in which I can thrive. What people think matters less and less.
  • When I follow my own intuitive guidance, I make the best decisions. My mind alone gets me in trouble. I can cite examples of making decisions I felt excited about, against all logic, that turned out awesome.
  • Meditation, positive thinking, faith, and surrender have made me a kinder, more patient, less reactive, more compassionate person.
  • I’ve felt the healing power of various kinds of energy healing and witnessed the positive effects on my own clients.

Most importantly: wherever I end up, I know that, since I’ve been on this particular journey, following my path to being my most authentic self and where I am guided to be of service in the world, I have been happier on a more regular basis than I have in my life. For that, I will walk in faith.